The Belated Birthday Climb

Last Sunday saw my belated birthday climb up Ireland's highest mountain, Currauntuohill, all 1039 metres of it. I went with Sister and Brother Long Legs from The Farm and their friend, Medium Legs. The day was gorgeous and only slightly ruined by getting up at 7 AM and then saved by a second breakfast at The Farm.

Brother Long Legs knew where he was going but still managed to lead us astray. 'We'll just skirt this mountain first' he said, meaning that we would climb up it a little bit. And then climb down. 'Stop going DOWN!' yelled an infuriated Sister Long Legs. And then climb up a bit. And then reach a gorge and climb down a bit. And then up a bit. 'STOP GOING DOWN!' we yelled, as our leader showed hesitation. 'It all kinda looks the same' he said reassuringly. But he got us up through Heaven's Gates all the same while the rest of the climbers took the better known path up Devil's Ladder. Which made me wonder. Let's see, we can scale this peak through Heaven's Gates or Devil's Ladder. Which do you think is the better way?
Then there was more 'skirting' which became the word of the day, followed by a sudden ascent into a cloud and the last climb to the top. Suddenly it became too cold to stop and all the views were obscured so Sister Long Legs and I strode confidently through the mist as we planned our sudden plan to travel to Nepal and walk to Base Camp Everest. Whatever that is. We reckoned we were professionals by now so it would be 'grand'. When I saw the cross on the top I suddenly started running like a mad woman, I was just so delighted you'd swear I'd reached the South Pole. We crouched beneath a wall, stuffed our lunches into us and I tried to sell chocolate to some unprepared lads for one euro a square.

We careered down through the eroded Devil's Ladder, where I met someone who had actually been to Base Camp Everest. This I took as A Sign and proceeded to quiz him about practical matters, such as sock quantities, budget, warm clothing, length of time necessary and what to bring in general.

Three days later and I'm still crippled. I have bought shares in Radox and every morning I feel like I have climbed that mountain again during the night. Clearly, there is a bit of training to be done before Base Camp Everest. To add insult to injury a colleague said 'Currauntuohill? Sure my mother walked up that, she said it's easy'.

300

So I went on a 'date' last Friday. Yes, a DATE with my mono-squeeze, otherwise known as My Boyfriend, formerly known (and now somewhat embarrassingly) as The Boy From Another Planet. To the cinema. Of course we'd forgotten that every teenager for miles around would be there too, not doing their homework and whatever other mischief they could get up to. Luckily 300 is quite a loud film so I didn't notice the chatter until my mono-squeeze started saying 'shut-up' in a very grown-up voice.

I very much enjoyed the film. And not just because of the popcorn and coke. Or because my date squeezed my hand for the scary bits, like when some really scary monster appeared or someone had their head chopped off. Or when the two women kissed. He squeezed my hand quite a lot then, must have been particularly scary.

Other nice things about this film are:

The huge painterly vistas and dramatic lighting
The huge amount of man-flesh on display
And their spartan fashion sense
The fact that the whole army survives on one apple
And all the semi-naked men
Oh yes I mentioned that already.

I recommend it.

The Amazing Rock-Star Party

I dressed as Björk, instead of my usual Truculent Horse. The costume was a bit hastily thrown together and was heavily reliant on my small stature and my ridiculous hair-do. The house was packed with people wearing shades, bumping into each other and saying 'is that you?' over and over. I let my rock-chick buddy draw tattoos on me and bounced in and out of the kitchen, thronged with dancers. There I found one of The Blues Brothers who seduced me with his sexy moves and then said 'let's get outta here'. Somehow it was nearly dawn. Somehow it had all taken six hours.

Why doesn't time go this fast when I'm at work?

Things I Thought When I Was Small

That I 'grew out' of clothes because they got smaller. 'Look, it'll soon fit Big Ted!' I enthused one day, which led to me being given the shocking truth.

That newsreaders on TV could see me. I spent many happy minutes trying to distract them while the others ate dinner in the kitchen. 'I'll be there in a minute!' I yelled, while jumping up and down on the couch, daring the newsreader to glare at me.

That when we got a second channel the TV screen would be permanently divided in half.

That America was visible from Galway Bay. Only it was called County Clare.

That Bray was in France.

That the population figure for the UK included animals. Well, it was so impossibly big.

That it would make a lot of sense to put shampoo and conditioner in the one bottle. Turns out I was right about this one. Damn thought-stealers.