Mothers

Is it just mine? Or is it an Irish Mammy thing? Or are they like this the world over? And even more importantly am I going to be like this?

See I have this annoying condition related to the pregnancy. Basically it makes walking, sitting, bending, moving, and sometimes even laying still, quite painful. Understandably it gets to me from time to time so I rang my mother looking for a bit of sympathy.

She took it all in and said 'well, the only advice I can give you, (pause), is to look after your appearance, I mean you looked okay most of the time at Christmas, but there was one morning you appeared at breakfast and your hair was sticking out all over the place. And BFAP (obviously she does not call him that) was there and I noticed how well he looked, he looked particularly well-groomed that day. So make sure you look nice before you come down for breakfast in the morning'.

Would you say this to a 8 months pregnant woman?

And well-groomed? WELL-GROOMED!? The fact that anyone described BFAP as well-groomed is beyond belief, it must have been a trick of the light. Muftie, the family dog, has seen more grooming than this man!

But then I have to remind myself that one day at Christmas I was wearing these purple pajamas with 'sleepyhead' written all over them when she saw me, stopped in her tracks and exclaimed 'that's a lovely outfit!'.

On the Sick

It's official, I'm 'on the sick'. Doctor's orders.

I tell BFAP the exciting news 'Isn't it great! No more work! My blood pressure is too high, I've to take it easy, what will we do, where will we go, let's get a camper van, woohoo! Actually maybe I'll just go for a lie-down'.

But first I had to fill out my 'on the sick' special social welfare sick form, all eight pages of it. It takes forever and I'm not sure every thing's filled out right so I drive down and waddle into the little local social welfare office, all pleased with myself, doctor's orders you know. Except I can't actually get into it. Because the queue is out into the porch. There's about 30 people ahead of me. I stand there for a while, pelvis slowly breaking in two. 'It was right out the door and round the corner last time I was here' a nice old lady tells me. Then I wheedle my way inside, just to check there isn't a special queue for me with no one in it. Loads of people are sitting inside, on chairs, I note, yes, chairs, those things pregnant women are meant to sit on (whatever, this is Ireland). And I see the staff, all two of them. One of them is behind a desk called 'enquiries'. She sees me hovering and waves me away 'No! We don't do enquiries anymore! We're too busy!' So much for that. I go back out into the porch to stand in the immobile queue for a bit. Pelvis slowly breaking in two. I change my mind and leave, waddle back out to the car, get in and promptly burst into tears. As you do.

I guess there really is a Recession after all. There, I've mentioned it. Thinking of calling the baby 'Recession' actually.

The Latest Insult

'Look how fat that big mamma is!' (little boy in pool changing room, surely too old to be in ladies?')

The My Little Pony Gymkhana

I tried to tell myself it was just a herd of My Little Ponies* magically come to life having a gymkhana in the attic but the exterminator reckons it's rats. Rats? So you're sure it's not a gang of Labrador puppies playing with a bumper pack of toilet roll under the floorboards?

Rats! And I have to have a baby here! Well that's what I get for buying a cute little terrace house by the sea. Full of character. Or characters, as it turns out.

As I lie awake at 3AM I still tell myself it's just Moonbeam with her clumpy purple hooves galloping towards the next fence. 'Go on Moonbeam you can do it!' the other MLPs neigh. It makes me feel that little bit better.

*Just for the record I was (sadly) too old for the My Little Pony craze myself but my little sister had quite the collection so I would be very familiar with them.

Pass-Remarkable

People become very 'pass-remarkable' when you're pregnant. Not that I am even sure 'pass-remarkable' is a word, But it should be.

Here are some of my favourite remarks that have been passed:

1. 'No offence. But yer gettin' fat' (my 9 year old niece)
2. 'Hey it must be nice not to have periods anymore!' (colleague)
3. 'Do you feel pregnant? Or just fat?' (colleague)
4. 'Are they sure you're only five months pregnant?' (mother)
5. 'Ha ha ha ho ho ho! Jeans with an expandable waist!' (friend)
6. 'You know about the second umbilical cord right?' (friend)
7. 'You're having the baby at HOME!!!??' (many)
8. 'I can tell, it's a girl' (several)
9. 'I can tell, it's a boy' (several)
10. 'Where are you getting married?'